OK!  In this article I want to write about something that is one of the reasons I love working with teens and young adults.  It also happens to be very personal to my life.

I grew up in a very strict, organized and loving Italian family.  My mother had a way of making everything simple.  You cleaned up after yourself as you went. You went to bed at a certain time.  You woke up at a certain time, knew what you needed to do and did it. Anything less was met with the proper control or discipline as needed.

On everyday of my school life that I remember, I got up at 6:30 AM and started my day.  From that moment on, there was something set to do within each period of the day until I went to bed. That is not to say I didn’t have choices; I was given many choices and freedoms to pick what I wanted to do on my scheduled free times.  They were seldom sitting around watching TV. They usually were creative and fun activities.

Then when I turned sixteen years old, a guidance counselor from school called me in to his office. He wanted to know what I planned to do after high school.  I can’t say that I hadn’t thought of it before.  I remember in Jr High School writing a paper about wanting to be a teacher.  So I knew I wanted to go to college.

Truthfully, I had no idea what I was really good at.  I knew I didn’t enjoy clerical type work and I didn’t want to do hairdressing, something they actually taught at my high school.  I couldn’t see how the things I was good at, talented in and skilled at translated to a working income in my adult life.

As the counselor asked me his questions, I felt confused and reeling. He invalidated my goal of becoming a teacher and told me by the time I graduated, that field would be flooded and I wouldn’t be able to get a job.  He suggested that I find another field of work.  He sent me away to think about it.  He had no idea how his invalidating my goals changed my life and confused me.  From his viewpoint, his intention was to help.

I had a few more years to worry about it; the problem was that I didn’t know how to go about finding out the answer.  The day I graduated, I was happy to have been accepted at a college so I would have four more years to figure it out.

Now let’s look at this situation for what it really is.  In our current society, children are not expected to work for exchange.  They are sent to school for years and years. They only have a vague idea of why.  The only responsibility they really have is to do maybe a few chores at home, to arrive at school, learn something and do their homework.

Compare that to many years ago.  Most places were farming communities. The children woke up and their chores were feeding animals, or helping mom prepare breakfast, the older kids even helped in the fields. These are all life-learning opportunities and skills they will use in their adult life.  After breakfast, the kids washed up and if they attended school, they went.  If they home schooled after cleaning up the kitchen, they schooled.  This went on until about noon, after which they ran home to help in the fields, with the house and afterwards played for a little while with their friends.  When they were eleven years old, their parents arranged for them to work with a local business owner or artisan if they didn’t want to work on the farm with their dad.  By the time they were 17 years old they had a profession.  They could support a family, they knew they could exchange or grow food, exchange or build shelter.

However, in our current society we send our children to school to be able to make their way in the world when they are somewhere between 22-30 years old, in which case they can date around and have fun until they get bored with it and then settle down to have a family, worrying a bit that they might be too old to conceive children.  They are schooled with little correlation of what the subjects have to do with any work they would be doing in life.  During this time, unless the teen was given work to do, a reason to do it and/or in a school that helps him/her find the work that fulfills his/her purpose for living, that teen starts to become confused and reeling the closer they approach graduation day.

I understand the reasons behind child labor laws.  Those laws were written to handle those individuals that would take advantage of children violating their civil and human rights to an education and to their health.  But now those very laws have caused their own problems.   Now we have teens graduating not able to support themselves.  In a society where even if you have the skills necessary to support yourself finding work can be difficult, can you imagine how unsettling it is for an eighteen year old with very little skills at all to be given a big pat on the back and shoved out the door?  And what is worse, most of them want to be out the door.  They want to get out on their own and start living their lives but they can’t.  Even if they go to college, most have to work a side job and just because they are back in school, it doesn’t mean it is the same structured system they came from.  In college they are on their own to make it to their classes or study for their classes on their own responsibilities. There is no mom and dad to remind them, nudge them, and coax them.  Professors don’t do that either.  Many enter college and hit the shock of it; falter and then either get up and run with it or flunk out.

To parents, I urge you to observe your children, notice their talents and strengths.  Encourage them in those areas.  Enroll them in activities that will nurture those talents and strengths.  As they get older, point out professions that use those skills, not pushing them towards any of them but making them aware that if they wanted to use those skills there are professions available.  If possible, find a company that will let your child experience that kind of work if your child wants to do that.

Something my parents did when I was a teen was, they provided my necessities—all of them.  However, extra clothes, jewelry, hobbies etc they had me work out how I would earn the money to get those things. They helped me learn how to save the money for those things.  And they helped me learn to budget my money by shopping with me and showing me how to find sales, how to get the best quality items for the least amount of money.  If I wanted a stereo or an instrument etc., I bought it for myself.

Now what I’m going to say next might put some into a panic, but I think if you look at it you will see the value of it.  I go to friends’ houses and their kids have cell phones, game boys, X Box type game systems, Wii, expensive computer games, their own personal computers etc.  Sometimes I see that the teen is paying for their own monthly phone service or contributing to it and sometimes not.  But most of the time the other perks were given to them, which all contribute to filling up their time, but not in helping them necessarily with life survival skills.  Teens, I guarantee you the work you will do to earn the objects and fun things you want will mean so much more to you.  I do warn you though that you may not have the time to play those computer games or watch a lot of TV.  However, you just might find that you are having much more fun and when you do get to those things, you will enjoy them more.

Also, parents and teens, don’t be afraid to write your government representatives to tell them you want high school programs that will educate you better in life skills, which ensure you can attain employment by the time you graduate high school.  Those skills are as important as History and Biology.  There should be classes that include basic vocational skills and the Arts.  Even those who are college-bound should be encouraged to take them, as even college students need to know how to cook, how to budget, how to balance a check book, how to find an apartment and negotiate the purchase of a car.

For me it is very comforting and rewarding to help teens and young adults figure out their purpose in life and to help guide them with well-researched, tried and true practices that are very successful.  To see them go from confusion to winning is pure joy!

You too can have access to these references.  To find out how contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922.

Today I want to write about something a lot of us struggle with.  I bet you are thinking that after all the articles I’ve written, this is going to be something about observing things and looking into things — you know what this article is going to be about.  Well… yes, that is definitely part of knowing, but there is something much more when it comes to control and discipline regarding knowing.

When you know something, there is no doubt, no decision, no worry. If you know something is white and other people are telling you it is black or even that it’s gray, but you know without a doubt that this thing is white, then anyone could say anything, but you just know it.  You don’t worry about your sanity or if you are wrong or maybe you should say it’s black to make people happy.  You can simply acknowledge what the person is saying and then remain steady and firm in your knowledge.  You don’t waiver.

Now I am going to give you a graphic example of this:

One day I went for a guitar lesson.  When the lesson was over, my teacher had to leave before me.  His wife, a friend of mine was home working.  She is an artist that works at home sculpting the most incredibly beautiful fairies.  As I was packing up my guitar I started talking to her. She was busy, and while she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, she was in need of getting back to work.  But she didn’t ask me to leave; she recognized I was in need of some affinity and communication at that moment.  So she talked to me for a little bit. After a short while, she stood up and started walking.  Of course I walked beside her; she acted as if my walking toward the door was totally and completely my idea.  She wasn’t brushing me off or distracted from our conversation in any way.  She was totally there with me.  Then she said, “Oh I’ll help you,” picked up my guitar as we walked to my car.  I got in, said goodbye and felt great.  And it wasn’t until I was almost five miles down the road that I realized what had happened and how well she had controlled the situation.

That was the best graphic example of being totally calm and knowing, therefore using control.  She was in complete affinity with me and talking with the same reality as me when we communicated.  There was no force, because there was no doubt that I would walk to my car and drive home happy.

So how does this translate to control and discipline?  Well, if you tell your child to go to bed now, and in your own mind you have complete knowing that they are in bed on time – you see it as if it happened already, then if they counter-intend that command by ignoring you or doing something different, you wouldn’t have to get annoyed or angry or anything — if you know they are in bed on time.  Despite their railing you would continue to communicate to them with affinity as you walked them to bed and put them in. Your confidence and certainty would just be greater than any of their confusions or upsets.

I know that until you try it, that you will think this is an impossible thing to apply when your child is defying you about getting to bed, or getting off of the computer or putting that object down in the store, or accepting the fact that they are not going driving with their friends. The first thing that has to happen is to remember to use it; to know that you can know and do know, and then not to drop into anger at the first defiance.  I mean think about it – how many times have you told your child to go to bed, they say no, you get firm, they say no louder, you get angry, they dig their heals in and get angry back etc, etc, etc but in the end they end up in bed?  They do.  All that drama and finally in the end, they go.

Now what if you, rather than getting upset (and knowing that they are going), just talk to them? As you are talking, walking, maybe helping a little bit, intend for them to be in bed. Calmly and with affinity they follow and then the next thing you know, they are in bed.

I know you are saying in your head, “Oh My Word!  She has totally lost it! Sometimes I’ve seen her get upset with her daughter.” Yeah, I admit it; I have to practice this as well.  Like I said, it starts with knowing it and remembering to use it.  When I have, it worked every time.  At work I automatically just use it, at home I have to sometimes get over myself and remember to use it.  And maybe with you it will be the same. But just try it, practice it and then yes, observe for yourself whether or not it works for you.

For access to the exact information and drills to achieve the results you intend call Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922.

Recently some things have come up that made me realize I need to write this article.  There is a great difference between “reason” and being “reasonable”.  Now when I say reasonable I am not talking about being logical.  That is in fact one definition of the word.  However, there is another definition and this is the one I am going to be addressing today.

Reasonableness is: when rather than observing things as they are or investigating to see how things are, a person takes what they see and dubs-in (fills in with their own imagination) what they think is happening in order to make the confusing and illogical scene make sense. You see, reasonableness is inserted as an explanation for the thing that does not make sense.

A person sees something they can’t think with or understand and rather than go observe and investigate, they assume things that may or may not be true in order to reconcile the things that don’t make sense.

This is actually much more widespread than you would imagine.  Once you know about this, you can observe it for yourself and you will be surprised how often it occurs.  This is because a person feels uncomfortable when experiencing something illogical.  To ease their discomfort, they distort what they are observing by ignoring what they are actually seeing and concluding they’re seeing something different than what is really happening and so alters the scene in their mind.

Someone trying to make sense out of a chicken in a bedroom is a good example of this.  Everyone knows a chicken belongs in the yard or in the hen house but you try to make this fit.  “Well, it is a family pet.”  It is once again the source of comedy unless you are operating this way in life and you are the source of that comedy and the source of the trouble that is vexing you.

So what does this have to do with parents and teens?  Well, this is actually very important. I will give you some very real examples of how this comes into play and why it can be so dangerous to you and to the people around you.

Let’s start simply:

A mom knows that her seven-year-old daughter needs ten and a half hours of sleep to be well rested.  She knows that on a school night her daughter must go to bed by 8:30 PM in order to get up at 7:00 AM.  She also knows that at 8:30 PM her daughter will be mid her favorite TV show.  Then the coming attractions comes up mid that one for the next show and oh how she wants to see that.  Bedtime comes—daughter argues and whines.  All her friends go to bed at 10:00 PM.  Mom does not in fact know how much sleep a seven-year-old needs to be well rested so starts to wear down. Maybe getting nine hours of sleep is fine.  Oh, what is one more show just this once…? “Reasonableness”.

It is bedtime and a son is at the computer playing a game.  He’s mid the most exciting part of the game.  Mom says its time for bed. He’s already been on the computer for two hours.  He argues, “But mom this game is really good.  It puts me into communication with people all over the world. I’m making friends and learning about the cultures of others.”  And instead of being firm and getting him to march off to bed, she buys into the sales pitch and gives in to let him finish the game which takes another hour and a half.  …. Reasonableness.

Mom and Dad have read and researched and learned how too much TV is not good for children and teens.  They become inactive, over-eat and receive false viewpoints and information from the script of television shows.  They are exposed at a very young age to promiscuous behavior passed off as “normal”.  Yet Mom has to get things done and Dad is busy.  Better to have the child quiet in front of the TV set than running around wild getting into who knows what.  Better to know your teen is sitting in front of the TV set at home even maybe with his or her friends than running around town getting involved in inappropriate activities because after all, “you can’t be everywhere at once”.  “I just have to finish this one project. What does it really hurt?”  And “click” on the TV goes.  …Reasonableness.

Am I guilty of it?  I am, sorry to say, but I’m getting better and better.  My sister who runs 3 and 4 year olds all day long reminds me constantly that it is consistency that makes the difference.  When you waver, the children get confused.  They don’t know the line.  They are too young to know how to determine what is good for their minds and bodies and what is not.  It is up to adults to teach them, and sometimes we teach them by example.

So let’s see how this can translate to teens being reasonable with themselves and their friends:

A group of girls are hanging out.  One of the friends that usually hang out with them isn’t there.  One girl turns to another and starts talking about this absent girl.  Maybe she is a little irritated with her for one reason or another.  “Did you see how she was flirting with your boyfriend the other day?”  “Yammer, yammer, yammer.”  Now she knows that she would not want to be talked about that way by a friend and so does every other girl sitting there, but instead of standing up and saying, “you know we are all friends and we shouldn’t be talking bad about each other behind each other backs,” the other girls, not wanting to seem different, either sit quietly or worse yet start jumping in on the gossip.  In truth, the girl was tutoring the boyfriend in math, not flirting at all.  …. Reasonableness.

Your teenage son goes to a party with a friend. Mom and Dad ask who will be there, assumes they all come from good families; there won’t be any inappropriate goings on.  At the party there is beer; later when it is time to drive home, your son knowing it is not safe to drink and drive gets in the car with his friend anyway. I mean, he doesn’t seem that drunk and he’s seen other adults do it in the past.  His friend seems coordinated enough…. not so bad… just this once or how will he get home? He certainly can’t call his parents and tell them why he needs them to pick him up. He’d never be allowed to hang with his friends again.  …. Reasonableness

I can give you a million other examples but instead I will let you observe this for yourself and send me in some of your own examples.

So what can we do about all this?  The first thing to do about it is to get all the exact data and technology about this.  Mace-Kingsley Family Center can direct you exactly to it and where you can find it.

The next thing is to be able to recognize it in ourselves and in others and then to just knock it off!  Get the correct data on how things are supposed to be so you can recognize what you are feeling uncomfortable about.  Be willing to observe and be brave enough to say when something is not right.  And be willing to teach your children this as well, so that when they become teens they can apply it even when you are not around.

Wishing you miracles,

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

727-442-3922.

Reason is being able to use the data you have to figure out something new.

Reason is also thought plus effort.

You can use reason to predict what might happen, to decide things for yourself or to figure out how to do something or how to do it better.

Why is this good and important information to have and understand?  Let’s take a look at it:

Reason is one of the things that human beings have that other members of the animal kingdom don’t have.  It is one of the things that gives us the edge, and it is the basis of a lot of creativity that makes our lives more durable and more enjoyable.  If you have a number of random facts floating around in your head and you understand them, then when encountering a situation in life, you can pull those facts together and utilize them to figure out how to do something or to do it better than you could before.

Let me give you an example of this:  Let’s take swimming.  A young child learns to float then kick his feet and move his arms and he can make himself mobile in the water.  He starts out just having fun.  Then one day he joins the swim team.  He wants to swim faster.  He notices and is coached that if he doesn’t raise his head out of the water but just turns it to the side to take in air that he will go faster. He speeds up.  But he is still not as fast as he could be. He learns some facts about wind and water resistance and finds ways to make his body more sleek, he learns to perfect his stroke so it picks up less air and gives him a longer stroke.  Before he knows it, he is breaking records for speed!  He has in fact, to some degree conquered a portion of the physical universe to be successful in his goal.

People like Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell and other inventors were able to take facts that they knew to be true and put them together in unique ways to create new inventions that then made life easier, more productive and even more enjoyable for a great many people.  They used “Reason” to accomplish this.

But reason is even more useful than that.  By truly understanding the second definition of Reason:  (thought plus effort) one can easily debug any situation that is not successful for him/her.  Did you get to school or work late?  What was missing?  Not enough thought?  Not enough effort?

Did you get in trouble with your family or your work?  Did the actions you took (or didn’t take) were they the result of not enough thought?  Not enough effort?  You see how it works?

One does not have to be a psychic or a mind reader to predict the future as long as you are using reason.  You simply look at all the facts and think through how much estimated effort you need to achieve your goal.  Then you apply that much effort to it.  If you see that your goal is not getting attained fast enough, re-evaluate how much effort is needed and apply it correctly.

Let’s say your friends are inviting you to do something you would not normally do; it looks like fun but you aren’t sure.  OK – get all the facts, think it through, imagine all the different possibilities that effort can result in.  Is the outcome of that activity more constructive than destructive along pro-survival lines?  Do you foresee long lasting happiness from it?  Do it!  If not, I personally would beg off and if needed, point out to my friends the possible negative outcome of such an activity.  After all, you don’t want their demise on your conscience!  That is not likely to make you happy if they are truly your

friends.

Now I am very sure the teens reading this article think that I’m just writing this for them, but in fact adults are equally subject to not using reason when we should.  Teens see it all the time and I don’t need to point it out to you.  Often when you are upset with us, you are quick to point it out to us yourselves.  And you know what?  You’re right!  Sorry parents, but we are not immune to mistakes in this area.  We often put work before family, stay up way too late, play on the computer longer than we should rather than be productive, we watch too much TV, and we put off physical exams, dental exams, etc.  We sometimes set bad examples for our children.

So my point here is just because you see an adult not using reason is not a excuse for you to do the same.  Just because someone you admire or respect makes this mistake is no excuse for you to turn your head to it and ignore it.  If you care and love your parents, friends, co-workers and school/team mates it is perfectly all right to go over this with them and remind them of it.  And when someone who cares about you points it out, it is perfectly all right to accept their communications on it.  After all, it is your best survival they are looking to secure.

For information on where to get more data that will help you “know how to know” the best ways to survive, contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center.  We will guide you to observable truths that will make your life easier, better and happier.  Contact us at 727-442-3922 or www.macekingsley.com

Today I would like to write about something that, while it’s the basis of a lot of comedy, is also the distress of a lot of adults/parents.  It is something that comes up frequently.  It is the need for awareness and understanding of how confusing the English language is, especially for a young child.

As adults we talk around our children all the time, we assume that to a great degree they will “get”  what we are saying to them (or around them) based on the context of what we are saying, our facial expressions, and the intonation of our voices.  But in fact, the majority of the words in the English language have many different definitions.  Then there are idioms and phrases and colloquialisms that make communication a truly tricky business.  In fact I have often wondered if the only reason we truly understand anyone is a matter more of telepathy than the words sent and received.

For children this presents a particular problem.  Children often tend to listen and take communication literally.  Parents not understanding this often mistake the child’s confusions for non-compliance, disobedience, lack of caring and disrespect.

Let me give you some graphic examples of this:

Many years ago a friend of mine had a 6 yr old son who was often sent to the principal’s office for behavioral problems.  The parents finally found the source of the problem and got this corrected.  However, after his many chats with the principal the young boy felt he had found a friend and would sometimes go to his friend’s office to chat.  The principal usually allowed this as he had become fond of the boy.  Then one day after 7 months of good behavior the boy’s parents got called into the school as the boy was throwing a tantrum and causing a ruckus.  To make this story shorter, I will cut to the chase here.

The boy’s upset turned out to be that on this particular day when he went to visit his friend, the principal looked up from his paperwork and said, “I can’t see you now,” and sent the boy on his way.

After much discussion and string pulling the boy blurted out,  “But he was lying!  He said he could not see me and he was looking right at me!”

Another source of concern for some parents is a child who wets.  On one particular occasion I checked for all the normal things:  Does the child have difficulty getting his/her pants down in time? Is the potty in question too tall or scary in some way? Does the flushing frighten the child?  Can the child find the bathroom easily?  Can the child turn the light on easily?  Has the child been trained to wipe properly etc.  In cases of potty difficulties it can be any or all of these.  But in some cases (especially girls and women) there is an issue with muscle control.  So my question was:  “What happens when you have to go to the bathroom and you ask to go?” And the child’s answer was that most times she was allowed to go but sometimes she is asked to hold it.  So I asked what did that mean and the answer very sweetly was, “I don’t know.”

In this case I explained to her there was an exercise she could do and that I would get her mom to help her with it.  The mom was called and told about a well-known exercise that women are often referred to in order to help strengthen a weak muscle that can cause leakage.

In each of the cases above you can see it was the literalness of the language that was causing confusion for the child, but the adults didn’t catch it. They became upset, sometimes disciplined the child, much to the dismay of the child.  So just on the off chance that things said around the child might not have been fully understood, here is my suggestion:  when you say things to your child and they are blatantly not complying and this is becoming a source of trouble in your worlds, before you do anything else please stop a minute to have a conversation with your child.  Find out their understanding of what you are asking them to do.  If you are absolutely certain that they have a clear understanding of what you have asked, then fine – go to the next level of giving them more data, discipline, rewards and penalties, whatever is needed.  However, if you find that there is an obvious misunderstanding or no understanding at all, of course patiently and honestly handle the confusion.

At Mace-Kingsley we are well trained in working with children and families.  We are here to help you.  If you find yourself beside yourself when dealing with your children (of any age), please do contact us at 727-442-3922 or www.macekingsley.com.

Today I want to share something I learned from Carol Kingsley more than twenty years ago.  To give you a little more background on this subject, I am going to tell you that I grew up in a very Italian family.  By nature, Italians tend to be very loving, emotional people. While that is a generality, by my observation I’d have to say that is mostly true.  In my family it was not uncommon to see within a half-hour period my mother sternly asking me to get a chore done, yelling at my laziness, then kissing me and praising me for my accomplishment, then yelling again at my sister, then hugging her and sitting her down to quietly teach her something, then more yelling (I’m not really sure why)…, etc, etc. etc.  There is just a lot of emotion in my family and we are definitely loud in our praise and in our disappointments.  This is the background I came from and the example I had.

So when my son was little and when his friends were around, if it got loud I got louder.  I seldom managed to get control in.  I decided, “I am just better with older kids and teens,” and left it at that.

Then one day Carol Kingsley did a special seminar for the children in my area.  I had heard about Carol and her successes with children, so I thought, “I really want my son to attend this lecture.” He was six years old.

I had time on my hands and so I stayed to listen to the lecture myself in case I could learn something, and learn something I did.  As the children became more loud and animated Carol became more calm and quiet until she was almost whispering.  Immediately the children quieted down and I could see that it became easier for her to maintain order.  To be honest, when watching it I couldn’t quite see what it was she did that actually caused them to quiet down. I just saw them become calmer and listen to her.  So when the lecture was over, I just had to find out what it was she did exactly.  I made it a point to go over to talk to her.

Carol is very approachable and was happy to spend a minute or two with me to answer my questions.  She obviously cared.  I explained the trouble I had in this area and how I had seen her gain control so easily and asked her how she did that.  She asked me, “What did you observe?” I told her exactly what I wrote above.  Then she answered, “That is how I did it.”  I was confused; I still didn’t recognize it.  So she patiently explained to me that the louder and wilder children get, the calmer and quieter you become.  If you are talking low they stop what they are doing to listen more carefully, they are interested because they are curious as to what you are saying.  So they calm and quiet down to listen.  If you then use good communication that is full of affinity, care and love with no doubt that your requests will be complied with, they will follow through. If you are willing to handle any objections- again with good communication, acknowledging their communications and objections to you, then all will go exactly the way you intend it to go.

The idea that I could get compliance without yelling was a little unreal to me.  Honestly I was still convinced it was just a “Carol” thing; like she had some hidden technology or magic that I did not have.  But I promised I would try it, so I did.  Now I have to tell you, how a person gets something to work when one is so convinced it won’t is a mystery to me, but work it did.  The next time my son and his friends were “out of control”, I came into the room and calmly talked very low.  Immediately they stopped their very wild playing to listen to me.  I handed them something else to do and gave them all a snack.  Order was regained and the children had more fun in their play.  I was shocked!  Surely it was a fluke.  I tried it again and again and each time it worked.

Now do I always remember to use that?  Well, I’m sure my daughter will be the first to tell you I am still very “Italian” in my approach to parenting, but then I will remember to use it eventually. Professionally I always use it with great success.

Since that time I have become much more educated in the exact technology Carol uses to handle children and adults.  I have found that there are no hidden secrets or magic really.  She just had access to a very workable technology. You too have access to this technology if you just ask.  For more information about this or for help with your family situations do contact Mace-Kingsley Family Center at 727-442-3922 or macekingsley@yahoo.com.

Wishing you miracles,

Diane DiGregorio Norgard

Mace-Kingsley Family Center

www.macekingsley.com